Sometimes I think there is something genuinely wrong with me. My world view sometimes fluctuates so rapidly, and over such little things, that it scares me. I go from seeing the world in a depressing black and white to blindingly colorful and bright with hope so much that it hurts. And then back aging. Several times a day. It's exhausting.
And the affect this has in not just making me appreciate when I am truly happy, but it also distances me away from people. I'll be laughing along with them, making small talk and such, when all of the sudden, something someone says or does reminds me of all those dark corners of my mind. I'll trail off in mid-sentence and I won't be able to look away from the wall as I try to drag myself out of the deep, dark, suffocating pit in my soul. Why this happens, you ask? I don't know. I try to continue the conversation as if nothing happens, but my voice sounds false to even myself, my smile feels as plastic as rubber tires. All the while I'm still reeling form the sudden reminder of how lonely I really am.
I realize that now. That pit is loneliness. I once tried to think of someone I was truly open with. To my twisted amusement, I couldn't think of anyone. Certainly there are people who think they know me, maybe even understand me, but they don't realize that all they see is side of me I choose to present to them.
And then I remember how petty my problems seem. I'm a healthy white male middle class american who's never really been deprived of a meal or had to face any real loss. That makes my loneliness seem like a child whining for candy compared to the people who worry whether or not they will get a good meal and a safe place too sleep. Knowing his gives me perspective. And perspective is the thin rope that I desperately grasp in order to keep me from falling into the reach of that monster in my mind.
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